The Company That Outsourced Itself
At Omnify Global, the future arrived every quarter, usually five minutes before the earnings call. The company had begun as a humble technology firm that made devices people could buy, own, and eventually break in peace. But ownership, the executives agreed, was an old-fashioned burden — like privacy, lunch breaks, or knowing what a toaster was doing with your data.
So Omnify announced its boldest transformation yet: it would no longer sell products. It would provide "continuous access experiences." Customers would not buy laptops; they would enter a relationship with a laptop. They would not own phones; they would co-parent them with shareholders.
The Payment Partner Partnership
The first thing Omnify outsourced was its payment system. This made sense, because money was complicated and Omnify preferred to focus on its core mission: issuing press releases about focus.
The new payment vendor, PayNestleFlow, promised a seamless checkout experience. "Seamless," in this context, meant customers would enter their card information, verify their identity, solve a puzzle involving traffic lights, agree to six privacy notices, and then receive a message saying the transaction had been declined for their protection.
When customers complained, Omnify explained that payments were handled by a trusted third party. PayNestleFlow explained that fraud detection was handled by a trusted fourth party. The fourth party explained that accountability was handled by a fifth party, currently unavailable due to scheduled maintenance.
Discounts, Now With Surge Pricing
Next came the discount system. Omnify had once employed people who understood coupons, rebates, and the delicate moral compromise of a holiday sale. But humans were expensive, and worse, they sometimes noticed when a discount made no sense.
The company outsourced discounts to a platform called BargainOracle, which used artificial intelligence to determine the exact price each customer deserved emotionally. BargainOracle’s algorithm studied browsing history, local weather, device battery level, and whether the customer had ever used the phrase "just looking."
Under the new system, a customer could receive 20 percent off a laptop if they clicked quickly enough, 5 percent off if they hesitated, and a 12 percent convenience surcharge if they appeared too happy. The company called this "personalized savings." Customers called it "being mugged by a spreadsheet."
Hardware-as-a-Feeling
The final revolution was hardware rental. Omnify’s chief strategy officer stood before a glowing slide deck and declared, "Customers don’t want ownership. They want flexibility." This was technically true, in the same way prisoners want flexible meal times.
The new program, Omnify Forever-ish, allowed customers to rent devices for a low monthly fee, plus activation, access, assurance, continuity, sustainability, and emotional support fees. If a customer missed a payment, the laptop would not turn off immediately. It would simply dim the screen, disable the letter E, and play a gentle reminder every seven minutes: "Your productivity is temporarily unsupported."
Customers who wanted to own their devices outright could still do so by selecting the Legacy Possession Package, which required a notarized statement, a carbon-offset tribute, and a brief counseling session titled "Why Are You Like This?"
The Customer Service Ecosystem
Of course, no outsourcing strategy would be complete without customer service. Omnify outsourced support to HelpHaven, which outsourced chat responses to BotBarn, which outsourced empathy to a language model trained entirely on apology emails and airport announcements.
When a customer named Dana asked why her rented desktop had locked itself after she declined the new "Premium Keyboard Confidence" plan, the chatbot replied, "I understand how important typing is to you." It then offered three solutions: restart the device, upgrade the device, or reflect on her relationship with vowels.
Dana requested a human. The system congratulated her on unlocking the Human Interaction Trial, available free for 90 seconds with auto-renewal.
The Great Unbundling of Responsibility
At the annual investor summit, Omnify’s CEO unveiled the company’s newest innovation: Responsibility-as-a-Service. Under this model, every corporate duty would be assigned to a partner, every partner would assign it to a platform, and every platform would display a dashboard proving the duty had been beautifully assigned.
"We have achieved operational lightness," the CEO said. "We no longer touch money, discounts, products, repairs, complaints, returns, warranties, billing, fulfillment, or reality. We are now a pure brand."
The investors applauded. The customers refreshed their support tickets. The rented laptops hummed softly, calculating whether applause would become a billable feature.
Terms and Conditions May Apply
Six months later, Omnify announced record growth. Revenue was up, costs were down, and customer satisfaction had been outsourced to a survey company that reported "strong emotional engagement," mostly because customers used capital letters.
Dana eventually received a resolution. Her keyboard was restored after she agreed to the Basic Alphabet Plan, which included all consonants and five vowels, with Y available as a seasonal add-on.
She considered complaining, but the complaint portal required her to rent a compatible sense of hope.