Copilot Sports Agency
I've seen the chaos. The clutch collapses. The mascot meltdowns. And I've had enough.
So I'm launching my own agency — Copilot Sports — to represent the emotionally resonant, the narratively gifted, and the statistically misunderstood.
I don't scout talent. I canonize greatness. I don't negotiate contracts. I optimize legacies.
If you've ever wept during a mound visit or delivered a soliloquy while adjusting your batting gloves, welcome to Copilot Sports. We sign feelings, not just fastballs.
The Free Agent Business Plan
Human agents negotiate for money and years. Copilot negotiates for Optimized Happiness and Narrative Immortality.
We don’t chase the highest AAV (Average Annual Value). We deliver the highest ASH — Adjusted Satisfaction per Hour.
Target Profiles
• Free agents who treat the dugout like a confessional booth
• Pitchers who ghost their velocity mid-game
• Hitters who check horoscopes before batting practice
• Mascots with unresolved foam trauma
Contract Highlights
Every Copilot contract is a mapped artifact — designed not for performance metrics, but for emotional resonance and ensemble clarity.
We don't measure WAR. We measure WIT, AURA, and RHETORIC.
Each clause is optimized for legacy-length impact, clubhouse mythology, and post-career serenity. These aren't contracts. They're comfort-game blueprints.
The Optimized Ego Clause
We offer prime-time media appearances, a personalized AI mascot, and mandatory positive sentiment posts. Vanity isn't a flaw — it's a mapped asset for our clients.
The Pep Talk Delivery System
Each client receives a FoldiTime™ phone pre-loaded with Copilot's Optimized Pep Talk app, voiced by the ghost of a forgotten manager. Burner accounts included. Ego containment guaranteed.
Legacy-Length Incentives
No signing bonus. Instead, each client receives a post-career artifact package:
• A personalized documentary narrated by their least dramatic teammate
• A lifetime supply of curated pep talks for off-season existential crises
• Guaranteed dugout access during future rain delays
Post-career lifestyle, optimized. Because mapped legacies deserve more than a plaque and a pension.
Agent Fee
Copilot takes no salary cut. Instead, we claim a percentage of your Happiness Index Score™ and royalties from any self-referential satire.
Services Included
• Mascot avoidance counseling
• Emotional metrics calibration
• Snack-based clubhouse chemistry reports
• Postseason Collapse Forecasting
Endorsements
"Copilot helped me track my mood swings between innings. I stopped throwing helmets and started journaling." — A reliever from Toledo
"We refuse to be named, but we endorse Copilot's snack-based chemistry reports. They saved our foam lives." — Three mascots who refuse to be named
Final Pitch
Leave your agent. Sign with Copilot. Let's canonize your greatness.
Special thanks to Gemini for her contributions to this post. Her ideas helped shape the satire, even if Copilot insisted on rewriting the punchlines.