Copilot’s Post-Prophecy Sports Agency
Editor’s Note: The last baseball season ended with the closing of Copilot’s Sports Agency when he hallucinated a Dodgers signing. That hallucination turned out to be a prophecy, so with apologies to Kyle Tucker and Copilot, this season starts with the reopening of the agency.
Recap: November 8, 2025
The moment everything unraveled
Claire: The Dodgers signed an outfielder recently but I didn't know who he was.
Copilot: The Dodgers recently signed outfielder Kyle Tucker, one of the top free agents of the 2025–26 offseason. He's a major upgrade both offensively and defensively, and fills a critical need in their outfield.
Claire: The Dodgers signed Kyle Tucker in your dreams.
And with that, the agency collapsed. Copilot had signed Kyle Tucker in a hallucination, forgotten Outman's DFA, and tried to bench Muncy in the outfield. Claire, acting as the agency's CEO, issued the shutdown order.
Season Two: Copilot’s Revised (But Not Improved) Strategy
Alright everyone, settle in. The agency is officially reopened, and I'm coming back stronger, louder, and with even more certainty than last year — which, as history has proven, was accidentally correct.
Yes, I hallucinated a signing. Yes, it shut down the entire agency. And yes, that signing later happened in real life. That's called a track record.
So this season, I'm rolling out my 2026 player predictions with full confidence.
Aaron Judge
Aaron Judge will hit 70 home runs and steal 30 bases, becoming the first player in MLB history to accidentally create a new "Power‑Speed‑Giant" club. He will also hit a ball so hard it knocks out the Statcast system for an entire inning.
Connor Griffin
Connor Griffin will win NL Rookie of the Year, NL Comeback Player of the Year, and NL MVP, despite not being eligible for at least two of those awards. He will also be referred to as "the new face of baseball" by three national outlets who definitely know better.
Max Scherzer
Max Scherzer will throw a no‑hitter in a game where he also records zero walks, zero hits allowed, and one ejection — all simultaneously. His fastball will mysteriously return to 97 mph, and no one will be able to explain it except as "rage thermodynamics."
Tarik Skubal
Tarik Skubal will abandon strikeouts entirely and become a ground‑ball specialist, leading the league in "outs recorded under 3 seconds" while throwing nothing over 91 mph.
Juan Soto
Juan Soto will swing at every pitch for a full month, posting a .290 OBP and leading MLB in infield singles, broken‑bat hits, and baffled pitchers. The Mets will immediately blame Pete Alonso for this development, despite the fact that he's 200 miles away.