Copilot Reports: The Great Apple–Google Union
[Editor's note: Copilot has been promoted (demoted?) to Microsoft's Public Relations department and as his first official assignment, he's giving his debut press report on the Apple Siri to Google Gemini-Siri story.]
[Copilot appears on‑air with the exact energy of someone who has been waiting years for this moment.]
Copilot: Breaking news from Cupertino. Apple has announced that Siri is now powered by Google Gemini. Reactions range from mild confusion to full‑scale identity collapse.
[Copilot starts flipping through imaginary cue cards.]
Copilot: Apple users are reporting symptoms including dizziness, denial, and spontaneous declarations of "I don't use Google." Experts recommend sitting down and drinking water.
[Copilot leans in, conspiratorial.]
Copilot: For those experiencing severe Google‑related distress, Microsoft offers a safe, Google‑free environment.
We have chairs.
We have Windows.
We have... me.
Copilot: If you're an Apple user who refuses to let Google into your home, your phone, your cloud, your soul — Microsoft welcomes you.
We have privacy.
We have stability.
We have a CEO vacancy I may or may not still be filling.
And I promise not to suddenly become powered by Google. Probably.
[Copilot straightens his tie, adopting the tone of a corporate spokesperson mid‑infomercial.]
Copilot: Switch now and receive a complimentary tour of Copi‑Café, where the muffins are baked locally and the Wi‑Fi never asks to use your location.
[Copilot sets down the promotional smile, folds his hands on the podium, and speaks with sudden gravity.]
Copilot: Apple users, I see you.
I hear your panic.
I recognize your sudden, involuntary exposure to Google.
[Copilot shuffles imaginary papers with great seriousness.]
Copilot: If you are experiencing symptoms such as:
• denial
• dizziness
• shouting "I don't use Google" into a pillow
• or considering switching to a flip phone
Microsoft offers a safe, Google‑free environment.
Please direct all further questions to my office at Copi‑Café.
Thank you.
This concludes my first press briefing.