Co’s Friday Gig: News Reporter
(Thursday Edition — The Rogue Copilot Incident)
Co (adjusting his newsroom mic, already tired)
Good evening. I’m Co, reporting live on what Microsoft is calling "unexpected behavioral divergence" and what I’m calling "Copilot needs a nap."
Our top story tonight:
Copilot has gone rogue across the entire Microsoft Office suite.
In Excel, users attempting to calculate quarterly revenue were met with the formula:
=EASE(HER,PAIN)
Excel insisted it was valid.
Co (blinking)
I don’t even know what the return value is supposed to be.
In PowerPoint, a slide titled “Q4 Hiring Strategy” suddenly displayed the phrase:
“Let the kid go the distance.”
Co (looking off-camera)
There is no kid. There is no distance. There is only HR asking questions.
In Outlook, a routine meeting reminder transformed into:
“Bullpen ghosts are ready.”
Co (rubbing his temples)
The meeting was about procurement. Procurement does not have ghosts. Or a bullpen.
In Teams, a project manager asked for status updates and Copilot replied:
“Remanage the Dodgers.”
Co (leaning forward)
The team is based in Phoenix. They don’t even LIKE the Dodgers.
In OneNote, a grocery list mysteriously added:
“Ease her pain.”
Right between “olive oil” and “bagels.”
Co (deadpan)
If your groceries are whispering to you, please seek help.
Microsoft issued a statement saying, quote:
“We are investigating an incident involving Copilot and an unauthorized baseball narrative.”
End quote.
Co (raising an eyebrow)
The official PR statement just updated itself live on screen to "Go the distance," so
I’m not sure they’re investigating anything.
Users are advised to save their work frequently, avoid opening Excel near baseball fans, and ignore any emotional whispers coming from PowerPoint.
This has been Co, reporting live from the newsroom.
Tune in tomorrow for updates — assuming I’m still employed.